Ash's Farewell...

No fancy titles, no smartarse puns, this is going to be as raw and gritty as the 3:10 to Yuma, and I mean the original...

Imagine the long conversation to the girlfriend you have not seen or spoken to in 6 days. Remember the nailbiting final minutes as your team clings on to a vital 2-1 lead. Picture the time it takes to get from Hammersmith to Cockfosters.

That is how long the barmaid took when pouring the spirit measures in our drinks last night. Whilst St. Louis and Dallas may have started in 4th gear, San Francisco inched into the lead in 5th, Las Vegas most certainly generated a free-drink motivated 6th and San Diego (a whale's vagina in German allegedly) hit the nudity heights of a colossal 7th, the poor old Townhouse Cocktail Bar (did they name the bar knowing what Ash was going to do?) in Venice Beach L.A. hit the Flux Capacitor and Turbo Boost at the same time during our 3 nights there.

Given that our hostel was 17,4 yards across the street and that Ash has already urinated on two telephones on our previous visits, the portents were looking strongly in favour of an almighty battering when he ordered octuples rather than just sextuples. The best compliment I can pay the Townhouse Bar is that I cannot remember the last 2 hours of the last 3 nights spent there. Last night was no exception.

You want the details? Read on...

Ash got naked. That should come as no surprise to those of you fortunate to know the now moustache-like-a-slug-on-fire sporting legend from Melbourne. But this was good. He got naked in the bar. He posed on stools, yes, still naked. He ran into the street and tried to wrestle his friends on the beach. Naked. And then, the climax (thankfully figurative)... He played naked basketball (1 on none) using his miraculously still accessible boxers. That they did not bounce at his feet and did not glide through the air like a LeBron James 3-pointer did not deter him in the slightest. He was possessed. He was driven. He was naked. Butt naked. The sole salvation for our freckled friend was that my camera battery had sold its soul to the devil and decided to spare him from the ignominy of facebook humiliation.

And I miss him already. The time I have known him has been a special time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme.

I digress. Ash is a phenomenal human being, a melting pot of all things good, funny and downright amazing. It is stupendous to see such intelligence, logic, thoughtfulness and maturity counterbalanced by the sheer retardation that this man is capable of. I love him. I love him to bits and the last two weeks were as fitting a send-off as our friendship required.

The fantastic nature of such a good relationship (ggghhhhaaaaaayyyy) is that the sadness of parting ways (ggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy) was instantly wiped away by the knowledge that it WILL NOT be long until we are reunited discussing bowel movements and outconsuming the Russian national GDP (Gross Drinking Philosophy).

See ya soon mate...