If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em...

Wizz Air Flight W6704 to Timisoara
Scheduled - 08:10
Estimated - 12:00

Wondering briefly whether tearing my toenails out with a pair of pliers would be more fun than spending four hours at the departure lounge of Luton Airport, I remind myself that I am still on holiday and decide to indulge in a spot of people-watching.

As I survey my pauper's kingdom, I soon establish that there are two clear breeds of animal in this low-budget human zoo. Dotted around the lounge are pockets of Eastern European migrants dressed in navy 1980s Adidas tracksuits, leather flat caps and mountain goat overcoats. They are taking this delay in their stride, animatedly discussing the soaring cost of cabbage and exchanging the latest mullet-grooming tips. Here and there, a handlebar moustached is twirled distractedly.

An escalating argument to my right draws my attention. The more hirsute members of a group of Romany gypsies appear to be remonstrating with each other for regrettably checking in their violins and accordions, thus missing out on a huge cash cow with such a large audience at their busking mercy.

Also congregated in small groups, but far more noticeable, are the bands of Ibiza-bound Home Counties chavs dressed in clothes so white and so bright that I am forced to pen these words from the sanctuary of the Sunglass Hut stand. A veritable sea of 3/4 khakis, pink polo shirts and dazzling white trainers reminds me why I will never explore Spain's Mediterranean coastline.

These two groups may be polar opposites on the social spectrum, but today they are united in their unquenchable thirst and the beer taps flow uninterrupted at the bar. It is 8:50am.

With my faith in humanity eroding fast and my patience wearing micro-thin, I must do something quickly or perish in this gene pool of mediocrity. Weighing up my limited options, I choose my only path to salvation and make my way to the only person who can help me redress the balance.

'One pint of Kronenbourg, please!', I order cheerfully at the bar. I am on holiday after all...