Things I Would Change If I Were Mayor Of London - Rant #1

RELAX UNITED KINGDOM GUN AND HUNTING LAWS

As undoubtedly vital and valued as every single cent, peso and pence relinquished by visiting tourists may be, the rehabilitation of our fragile economy must not come at the expense of Londoners' rising blood pressure. An ambitious programme of visitor extermination is to be implemented in order to facilitate the legal culling of irritating tourists in a humane and non-discriminatory manner.

To this end, a small percentage of each Londoner's council tax contributions is to be funnelled into a small arms & weaponry fund that shall furnish every resident with a big game hunting rifle, a temporary shooting permit incorporating extradition immunity and two rounds of ammunition for every year lived in the capital city. London Underground Zone 1 shall henceforth be known as The Reserve and acceptable grounds for reducing visitor headcount include the following:

- Ignoring 'Keep Right' signs on any London Underground escalator during rush hour. It is called 'rush hour' for a reason. No excuse. No mercy. BLAM!
- Sudden halts whilst walking in areas of high pedestrian congestion, resulting in unsolicited mutual introduction of my nose and tourist backpack. Making me look stupid = not good. BLAM!
- Clapping, cheering, donating money and any other form of encouragement afforded to street performers of any type. Living statues are below protozoa and immediately above amoeba in the natural order of things. BLAM!

In order to deter aggressive xenophobic behaviour, no more than 2 (two) specimens of any one nationality may be culled by the same Londoner during open season.*

* With the exception of Saturday mornings on Portobello Road, where a fire-at-will policy operates on Italian nationals.